I lay on the cold hospital bed, thin sheets covering me as I looked up at the ceiling. Tears were constantly forming and falling, but I was silently trying my best to focus only on the fluorescent lights. Everyone else in the room looked around, trying to find things to do that could serve as distractions. Finally, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I started shaking and let out the loudest sob. My father made his way to my side and covered me in a hug that felt like it lasted forever. I had laid there for a few hours after being told that I was miscarrying and there was nothing I could do but wait. It was the most embarrassing experience I had ever been through. Strangers in and out of the room – touching me, poking, and probing. My parents and boyfriend sitting to the side with no clue how to help me or what to say. I wanted to be home, I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to hear anyone tell me that it would be fine and that miscarriages happen to women every day. While the pregnancy was a surprise and I was afraid, I had just told my parents I intended to have this baby hours before we ended up at the hospital.
Recently, the amount of woman in my life that have become engaged and pregnant has grown tremendously. While I am extremely happy for the blessings they have going on in their lives, I struggle believing that it will happen for me. In doing some soul searching and acknowledging the pain I carry, I have discovered that my biggest insecurity is my body and its strength. As a person who has suffered two miscarriages (this one and another previously during freshman year of college), I constantly question my body’s ability to provide a safe environment for my babies to grow. See the thing about miscarriage is, you don’t get a choice – something was taken away from me and I had no control in the matter. If you know me, being a wife and a mother is all I’ve ever desired to be – that is my ultimate goal in life. The thought of that never being my reality is extremely heartbreaking for me. I have done an amazing job at hiding this hurt because I do not feel it is anyone’s burden to deal with. However, for the sake of sharing my journey with you, I am learning to be open with you on another level.
Meeting new people has become weird now. Because having children is normal at this stage in life, it is common for people to ask whether you have kids. In my experience, sometimes my simple reply of, “No” is met with, “Wow, that’s crazy. You’re such a great catch, no babies and no man? How?!” My response is usually a half-smile and an internal rush of emotion. Though this experience happened early this year, I am working every day to rebuild confidence in myself. While it isn’t something I think about daily, there are the occasional days where I feel extremely down about my experiences and how they potentially impact my future. My goal in sharing such a personal piece of my life is to encourage those who may have experienced miscarriage, but also to let my readers see a side of me that isn’t always “Mrs. Motivation.” Thanks again for joining the journey with me – it’s one day at a time!