I have become accustomed to reflecting on almost everything – not only for the sake of my blog, but with hopes that I will gain new understandings. One of the things I reflect on most is love. I look at my feelings from both my past relationships and current dating life, constantly assessing whether I’m doing it wrong. There is obviously some reason or another why it hasn’t worked out with anyone I’ve dated so far, but I’ve begun to analyze my beliefs about love and their correlation to my break ups.
I make it habit of mine to discuss love and relationships with women who have been married for years. I like to think that the advice of a married woman to a single woman gives hope that Mr. Right is still out there. One of the most common pieces of advice they’ve always given me is to, “go for the guy who is good for you and good to you.” Logically, that makes complete sense to be with someone that has all the qualities a good husband should have (or at least most of them). However, I always find that those guys that are damn near perfect do not invoke the same feelings in me as those who are flawed. Sure, it is amazing to have someone who is sweet, attentive, great at communicating, thoughtful, strong, reliable, nurturing, respectful, honest, with a good job and education – BUT I must ask the question, is it more important for love to be easy or for love to be based on choice?
In my opinion, love is about waking up every day, choosing to be with a person, and accepting them for who they authentically are. I’ll always trade lukewarm love for the fire someone could ignite in me. I want the kind of love you see in the movies: stay-up-all-night-thinking-about-you, miss-you-when-you’re-gone, you-irritate-my-soul-but-I-wouldn’t-rather-be-with-anyone-else love. I am a passionate person, which means I need a love that can be passionate at times. It worries me that going for the “nice guy” just because he is the cookie cutter version of what we think a husband should be, means that I’d be settling. Because love is choice, you technically could love anyone. Furthermore, I don’t want to love just anyone, I want to love the one. I don’t believe that love requires a guide, plan, limits, promises, or guarantees. It is when you find the one you love that you make promises to one another, rather than to love. Love and relationships are not mutually exclusive. I believe that’s where people get things confused.
A perfect example of this can be seen on a popular Lifetime Network show called, Married at First Sight. After a series of interviews and screenings conducted by experts (psychologists, sexologist, pastor, etc.) couples are matched to be married and meet for the first time at the altar. The two embark on an experiment for 8 weeks to live and function as married couples. At the end of the experiment, couples may choose to stay married or get a divorce. I’ve been an avid follower of this show for years and can honestly say very few of the couples stay together. It fascinates me that two strangers who specifically sought out marriage, come together, and expect to fall into a fairytale in 8 weeks just because they said, “I do.” It goes to support my idea that even people that are professionally “matched” for you, don’t always bring you that firey love.
Would you rather firey unpredictable love or lukewarm stable love?