True Life: I’m a bonus mom
As we are fresh into a new year, we’re still reflecting on how 2021 came to a close. One of the things we all left behind is a fan favorite tv show, “Insecure” from HBO. In the closing episode, we watch as the future of each character unfolds – Issa Dee makes sure she clears up all loose ends. The biggest character ending to unfold was the engagement and blended family created between Issa and Lawrence’s characters. Twitter was in an uproar about whether that was the ending we all really wanted. So many fans rooted for them since the beginning and then some wished that they had stayed separated. While I always loved Issa and Lawrence’s love story, I never imagined they would work things out because it all seemed too messy.
When I think back to my own personal experience in a blended family, I remember that it wasn’t always perfect. In fact, joining a family with different mothers, fathers, and connections was hard. Some of my siblings lived in different households at different times over the years. Sometimes my relationships with certain siblings were closer because we spent more time together. I don’t ever remember feeling jealous that my mother was married to my stepfather rather than my biological father. I do vividly remember struggling with having to share EVERYTHING and having a larger responsibility because I was the eldest sibling at home. When you’re a child, it’s hard to really understand everything because your view is often limited and you have a lack of understanding about so many things. As I’ve gotten older, I realize how difficult it must have been for my parents to manage so many children, so many personalities, needs, and relationships with us and their co-parents. Now that I have started to build a family of my own, I now see the work it requires to create and maintain a blended family. It’s definitely not as easy as the show, “The Brady Bunch” portrayed.
I remember a time when my bonus son was visiting with us for the weekend and we were having dinner. After making a special meal that he asked for, I watched as he played with the food on his plate - never actually tasting it. He says, “I’m not eating this, I don’t want it.. I’ll eat tomorrow when I go back to my mom’s house.” My eyes widened, but I continued to feed our youngest son and waited for their father’s response. Neither his father nor I really knew what to say. After cleaning up the dinner plates, I asked if we all could have a “family meeting.” I initiated the conversation by explaining to my bonus son that we really wanted him to feel apart of our family, but he had to want it too. On more than one occasion he didn’t want to eat our food (no matter who cooked it), didn’t want to clean up after himself, and asked to go home when he wasn’t getting his way. It was then that he told us, he wished things could go back to how they were before our youngest son was born. Additionally, he didn’t like coming over because we had different rules than his mom did at her house. I wanted to cry because my feelings were hurt. I didn’t know how else to help him transition and I thought I was doing my best - this having been my first time in a relationship with a father.
Over the past few years, I’ve had to ask myself if I’m always doing the right things. I love my bonus son and I know he loves me – but the harsh reality I’m often challenged with is that I am still not his mom. I have a tough time establishing and asserting that while I am not his biological mother, I am THEE mother and an additional authority figure in our home. I worry so much about crossing parental boundaries with his mother and father – never wanting to offend either of them. Remembering my experience in a blended family, I also try to put myself in my bonus son’s shoes, never thinking for him, but taking into consideration how he might feel. It is my goal for him to feel completely apart of the new family his father and I have started with our son together. However, I don’t want anyone in our little family (myself and boyfriend included) to feel that our needs are not being met or validated, because I don’t know that anything is ever “equal” in a blended family. As I do see myself in my relationship long-term, the journey has really only just begun. I’d love to hear about some of your bonus mom/blended family stories and what works for you guys. Drop a comment, message, or send me an email!
