Who are you talking to?!
It was 9 o’clock at night and at that point, we were both burnt out after a long day. “I just don’t understand what is wrong with wanting more from you!”, I yelled at the top of my lungs. My boyfriend, Michael, shouted back, “I just don’t see what you’re expecting me to do! I’m doing everything I can, ALL THE TIME! I don’t have anything left.” We had a reached a boiling point – the conversation went from a “check-in” to a full-blown argument. We had been working on our communication skills together and this was proof that we are still a work in progress. I was so upset and crying tears of frustration because I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t understand what I was saying. I didn’t get why he felt he did everything. I stomped up the stairs and shut our bedroom door with a hard push. I was pissed.
I couldn’t help but feel like, I dedicate most of my energy to Michael and our son. My routine includes working, picking the baby up from school, grocery runs, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, baby bedtime routine, and attempting to have the house all together before my boyfriend gets home at night. I do those things not because I want to be considered superwoman, but because I want to lessen the load on Michael, as his job requires him to work long hours. When he gets home, he’s exhausted and I want him to feel good knowing things have been taken care of. While I don’t anticipate things always being this way, this is the phase we are in based on our schedules. I find joy in trying to show him I have his back. In return, I want to spend a little more time with him. I was furious that night because I felt like the same way he creates opportunities to decompress alone or with friends, I wanted more of my own exclusive time for us to connect and grow our emotional connection. It dawned on me the next day that we had been having two totally different conversations. I was expressing that I wanted more quality time, while he was communicating that he feels stretched thin with work and still trying to take care of his responsibilities.
Earlier in our relationship, we explored couples counseling and in doing so we spent some time discovering love languages. I discovered that my love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I feel the most loved when we spend time together, even if we aren’t talking or when he announces his appreciation for me. It provides a reassurance that ultimately serves as motivation for me. He on the other hand is moved by acts of service and gifts. Sometimes I think people in general, fall in the habit of loving others the wrong way because it is easy to forget people give and receive love differently. Since meeting him, he’s always been financially giving and I can always count on him doing something thoughtful for me. That night, I needed him to see that while I was showing him love in his language, he wasn’t showing me mine – the power of time.
We let the issue go and chose not to speak on it. Two days later, he came home from work and started asking me about my day. He asked me questions about work, my business, and new ideas I have for my brand. We talked for hours. I was so excited to share with him – it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized what he had done. He heard what I said, reflected on it, made an action step, and then filled my cup. What are some challenges you have found in your communication between you and your spouse? Let us know! Comment, email, or direct message!
